"What am I going to do when this is all over? No more chemo, no more meds, no more doctors. How do I end up getting back to normal?"
That is the question I have been asking of many people recently.
Right now, I know how blessed, lucky, and humbled I should be for the fact that I should be able to firmly say "I am a survivor" when this is all over. And I will be. I will also say it so much people will want to hit me, but hell, it will be worth it.
Anyways, eventually the day will come where the surveillance schedule will be the only appointments to keep up with. My medicine holder will be sitting in the cabinet empty, and gathering dust. My port will be removed and I won't be staring at IV poles and bags of toxins that drip down from them.
So what will I be doing? I know what life was like before cancer. I know what it is like during cancer. But what is life supposed to be like after cancer?
Many people have told me it will be a little while after the dust settles before I really feel like myself again. That strength will come back slower and so on. That part makes sense to me. But what will, or what can I do to make life after cancer that much better?
I won't immediately be able to get a job. I've thought about signing back up for online courses. At least if I am going to still be home so much I can use the extra free time again to do something better for myself.
I think I'm just in too much of a hurry to feel normal again. I've spent too much time just not feeling normal at all that it's all I can think about. Even after the great feelings this week brought, it still doesn't bring me closer to an answer. It just makes me ponder the questions that much more. Maybe some questions don't have answers.
Or perhaps I am asking the wrong questions.
More importantly, maybe I'm being too afraid of the unknown and not paying enough attention to the now. The future hasn't happened yet and nobody can really answer any of those questions for me.
I guess we shall see whenever the dust settles. When the air is clear again. Until then, I might just need to tuck these questions away for another time.